Ep 27: Therapy isn't about fixing

• Episode Transcript:

  This is a rough transcript created with Artificial technology. Any misspellings and sentence errors are a result of imperfect Al.

  Therapy is not about fixing your problems or hiring somebody to fix your problems for you. It's not about finding somebody who has their whole life put together and therefore can then teach you. How to put your life together. Yes, chances are you can read any blog on the internet. Talk to many, many, many teachers. And influencers and. Coaches and even some therapists who. Will. Give the impression that they have cracked the code, they have figured out exactly what it is.

  That helps you heal X, Y, and Z. Heal your relationship with yourself, heal your relationship to food. Heal your.

  Relationship with your partner or partners, um, you know, heal your chronic illness. Uh, heal your, whatever it is. Um, we are so caught up in healing in this culture. And Hey look. Don't get me wrong. It would be really nice to not wake up with joint pain or brain fog or this. Overall. On ease in your body and in your mind.

  That makes it really difficult to get through your day, every day. But at the end of the day, the only thing that heals us, our relationships. So. When you enter into therapy, you are forming. A relationship. And sometimes relationships don't work out. Sometimes they are.

  Oftentimes they shift and change and evolve. Over the years. And. It's really hard to know when you should stay and when you should go, you know, when am I kind of just running away again and therefore I should really stay in this relationship.

  Or is this normal difficulty that occurs? In all relationships and it's something that I'm supposed to stay. And stick it out with. Um, And the only way that you can do that, you figure out what the right thing is.

  And the only way you can figure out what the right answer is for you. Is to enter into these relationships and to figure out how to start listening to your intuition more and more. We aren't. Born. Well, I take the bar. We are born with intuition, but. As infants and toddlers, and even older than that.

  We try to communicate our needs and oftentimes our needs are misunderstood.

  You know, it's incredibly difficult to understand when a child is crying because they need their diaper changed. Or they are hungry. Or they are too cold or too hot, or, you know, maybe they're, they're telling me hurts and there's no way for them to tell that to the adults in their life. So. If you have.

  If from childhood, from infant hood. You were consistently and chronically misunderstood and then eventually. Grow up in a family where that misunderstanding turns into your family, telling you, Hey. You actually don't know what it is you want and need. We know what you want and need, and it's not that.

  Um, if that is a consistent experience for you over and over and over and over again. We grow up learning that people can't be trusted and we ourselves can't be trusted.

  Therapy is about learning to rebuild that trust. So again, you know, showing up with a therapist that where, you know, you might not be quite sure if they're the right fit for you or not. You are absolutely always welcome to switch therapists and find somebody who maybe meshes well with you more. But.

  Unless there's harm being done. I would lean towards encouraging you to stick with therapy, even when it's really hard. You will learn so much more about yourself. Even if the therapist isn't pointing out every little thing to you and giving you great insight. That frustration that you feel is such an invitation.

  It's such an invitation for leaning in to what's happening for you. And learning from it. Getting curious about it. And. Healers. Um, we've had different types of healers. Culturally throughout time. There've been many different heel. Healers, um, Yeah.

  Everything from. Traditional Chinese medicine, doctors to native American shamans to.

  Too.

  To Latin American shamans and south American shamans.

  There are different beliefs about.

  And there are different beliefs about healing throughout cultures, to everything from plant medicine to. You know, only things that are. Verified in a lab, you know, Val validated and verified. Um, There are. So many different types of healing rituals. And at the end of the day, it always comes back down to relationship.

  We learn. From others that we trust. And sometimes we learn by watching people do what we know we don't want to do.

  But at some point. You cannot learn how to do something that you want to do without seeing it modeled for you in some way. And this day and age, we have a lot of ways to make that happen. It can be literally something as simple as watching YouTube videos on the topic. It is that you're wanting to learn or listening to podcasts like this.

  Um, or. Just.

  Listening to podcasts like this. So it doesn't always have to mean that, you know, if you can't find somebody who you trust in real life, who then takes you under their wing and mentors, you and shows you the ropes and all of these things. That you're doomed. You're not doing there are so many different ways that we can, we can learn how to improve and change and grow for the better.

  But what's important about eventually adding people in, in, in real life, people into that equation. Is the acceptance. That comes along with relationships. We're what we want to be looking for. If you haven't found this already is. These little moments where you just realize that somebody. Has accepted your way of being in the world.

  And while it's wonderful to have again, mentors or parents who loved you unconditionally and showed you. That no matter what you did, that was frustrating or upsetting that you are loved and allowed to be who you are. The reality is a lot of us don't have this like single great person or people in our lives.

  So if that's you, I would encourage you to. Really start to get curious about little moments in your day.

  Where your environment says you are allowed to move in this way in this space, and there will be no negative consequences and potentially even positive consequences for you showing up the way that you are. It could be. In the grocery store when you are, you know, Um, handing your card to the cashier and, you know,

  You just ask how their day is and they respond positively.

  I mean little tiny moments, like go into the grocery store and you bump into somebody accidentally and you say, oh, sorry about that. And they say, oh yeah, no problem. And they, they interact with you, not in a frustrated way, not in a Ugh. Kind of. That person over there, you know, there but much more like a, oh, like, no problem.

  Showing you that, Hey, mistakes happen and that's okay. And there doesn't have to be any consequence, negative consequence for that mistake. A lot of us did not grow up in these environments. We grew up in environments where if you spilled a glass of milk, All hell broke loose. Or if you, you know, said the wrong thing, which wasn't even wrong to you, it was just wrong to your caregiver. Well, now, you know, they make it out to be that you are ungrateful or selfish or.

  Uh, inconsiderate or, you know, these really negative, awful character attacks. Um, so we grow up learning. You're not allowed to make mistakes and. When our body inevitably makes mistakes. We then. Really, really with that internalized hatred. We hate our body. And we think that our body is. Just again, not allowed to make mistakes.

  When our body while it's, while it's, um, One could argue that our body never makes mistakes because all of the pain and inflammation and. Digestive upset and all of these things that we experience on a daily basis. If you live with a chronic illness, Um, It. You know, Um,

  And I really do believe.

  That our body is more about not making mistakes, then making mistakes. I think that. All of our ma. All of our difficulties with our body. Have some kind of message that they're trying to teach us. It's just that we don't know what's language yet. So. But with that aside, my main point here is that.

  When our body shows up and does something that we deem as a mistake, such as again, joint pain, brain fog. Things that are just really difficult to handle. We then learn that our bodies are not okay. And we fear them. We hate them. We want to throw them away. And it tells our body. To really amp up.

  And do more to get our attention because that's what it needs to do in order to show you, Hey, I'm here. I'm trying to tell you something. And so when you stop and pause and listen, And feel what it is you're feeling inside. Which is a really, really difficult thing. It's a really difficult task. Hence the need for community and healers who have been through what it is you're trying to accomplish.

  So that they not only have textbook knowledge, but they also have this intuitive wisdom about the process. Um,

  But when you start to feel what you're feeling.

  It tells our body, Hey. You're here. I hear you. I'm listening. Tell me what's going on.

  Now when you do that with a toddler. And you ask them to tell you what it is that is going on. Especially before they can even talk, you know, think one-year-old. You. They're likely just going to scream some more. And so then you, you might have the. The urge to. And your body's doing the same thing. It's just screaming some more because it doesn't have the language to say, Hey, this is what's happening.

  I need you to move more or get more sunlight or move less or do less, or stop hating me so much. It just only knows how to say. Joint pain, brain fog, migraine.

  So it's through a lot of these listening practices, sematic practices that help you get in touch with what's happening in your body. That we can then start to learn the language. Think about when you're learning an actually like a. Uh, verbal language. If you are an English speaker or you're trying to learn Spanish or Chinese.

  I'm trying to learn Spanish. You have to listen. To the words and the sounds and the, um, The. The tone. You have to listen to these things. Um, before you can ever even start to speak the language. Of course you can learn. First by reading. Um, you know, and if you're only reading it in your own head,

  And you're not practicing with anyone and you're not listening to anyone else speak the language. You might learn. All of the language, all of the words in the Spanish language. And then you might go to try to talk to someone for the first time thinking you're fully fluent and fully competent. And they won't understand a word you're saying.

  That's because we have to hear what others are saying in order to. That's because we have to communicate with others in order to learn this language. So again, when you're looking for working through pain, physical, and emotional, that comes along with a chronic illness.

  You don't have to find somebody who has been through exactly what you've been through. And I even take back a little bit that they have to have gone through. Like any chronic illness, you can definitely find therapists who can help you a great deal. Um, who've never been through. Uh, chronic, uh, physical, chronic illness. Um, so long as they have enough experience working with people who have been through immense grief.

  And loss and they're comfortable with being in that arena. With you. So.

  That's what we're talking about here. We're talking about. Leaning into trust. Even when we have no idea what that feels like and how, and all we know is that trust means. Potential for danger.

  And we have to just make it. We have to make a decision sometimes. And we have to make a decision. About what it's going to take from us and for us. To engage in a healing practice. Again, whether that's talk therapy or any of the wide range of. Therapy practices and physical. Um, alternative health.

  Uh, alternative medicine. For lack of a better term. We have to decide, okay, you know, this is going to cost this much money. And. I'm going to give it six months before I make a decision about whether it's quote. Working or not. And in that time, And going to be talking to others who are going through it or who have gone through it.

  Who can help me understand? How do I know if it's working or not? And how do I stay in it? When everything feels really uncertain? Again, at some point, you know, you're going to have to make a decision to end. A particular treatment, if it is using up more resources than what you have, and it's not giving enough back to you in return.

  But when we're thinking about. Whether it's working or not, I would really encourage you to consider am I progressing each week, each month? While I'm in this treatment. So I might not. Have no more emotional outbursts. I might not have no more pain. I might not have no more sadness. You know, these things I might not have yet. And maybe that was my goal, going into it to get rid of anxiety, to get rid of depression, to get rid of chronic pain.

  And that's not happening. So therefore this isn't working. Instead, I encourage you to say, okay, well, I woke up with. And my anxiety was just. Uncontrollable for morning tonight. And. I'm waking up several times a night and, um, or I'm, I'm sh I'm freaking out on my partner all the time, several times a day, it's causing a lot of stress here and, you know, after two months of working together,

  I'm still having a lot of really overwhelming emotions. I'm still having a lot of overwhelming emotions, but maybe now. I'm freaking out on my partner five times a day instead of 15. Or I am waking up once a night instead of five. So it's about looking back and say, Hey, you're saying, have I progressed?

  Have I gotten better? And knowing that healing has its ups and its downs. So things might backslide a little bit sometimes, but you know, If you have things might backslide a little bit sometimes. Then when that's happening, do you have somebody who you trust? That can support you through that backslide.

  Again, that might be your therapist. It might be a friend. It might be an online community. But somebody who can say to you, Hey, I see you. I know you're struggling. I don't have the answers for you, but I am willing to sit here while you figure it out. I'm willing to even help figure it out with you. If that's what you're wanting right now.

  I think a lot of us, uh, get really stuck, rightfully so when we don't have that kind of a person there for us.

  and the reason why advice is so difficult, uh, when you're talking to someone that you know nothing about, for example, me talking to you on this podcast is because for some people you might literally not have that person in your life and for other people. , that person might be there, but you might not be able to see it.

  So I could sit here and talk about ways to build trust with the people around you. But if you're listening in and there is literally no one trustworthy within your circle, that's a whole different topic that we're talking about. And the advice that I give is not gonna work for. . So in therapy, you know, the whole point of therapy is to have a relationship with somebody who can accurately see you, paraphrase things back to you, ask you if that paraphrasing is correct or not.

  You know, your therapists should not be making assumptions about your life. They should be listening to you and really, really digging in with curiosity. , and if they're wrong, you should be able to tell them that they're wrong and then they should respond with a very appropriate, and then they should respond with something to the effect of, thank you for letting me know.

  You know, now we can move forward being on the same page. , and that's a reparative experience for many of us. I, I don't know many people that were raised in a home where a child said to a parent, I don't like the way you're talking to me, or, I don't like the way you do X, Y, and Z. Or, when you do this, I feel upset without the parent then responding with.

  Who do you think you are? You're a child. You don't know what you're talking about. Or this is just the way things are run in this house, or something that maybe doesn't sound exactly like that, but the essence still is the same that the child is not worth listening to. So then we grow up into adults who.

  are not children anymore, and so we have this kind of built in power authority just by being an adult, and yet we don't know how to regulate our emotions. Therapy is a reparative process in helping you learn how to properly regulate your emotions. It should not be something that you just go and kind of learn some coping skills to mask your big feelings.

  it should not be somewhere you go to just learn some coping skills to hide your big feelings. It should be somewhere you go to process your big feelings and to have someone sit across from you and to say, those big feelings are allowed. They're actually allowed. You are human for feeling those feelings.

  And I see you and I hear you, and we're gonna get through this moment together. And when you have that experience with a, the. , you can then leave your therapist's office with a greater sense of self-efficacy, self-esteem, confidence, capability.

  We learn through modeling, and that's our job as a therapist, is to model for you. What it is you're so desperately trying to achieve and modeling is done without words.

  And so now I have a favor from you all. I really love doing this podcast, but one thing that it really lacks is the ability to talk to the people who are listening to said podcast. So that just comes with the game. But I would really appreciate if you have any questions or any thoughts that you will.

  If you're listening on Spotify, you can answer the q and a. that I'm gonna put here. It's kind of a Spotify only feature. If you're listening on Apple or Google, please feel free to send me an email or, um, better yet, DM me on Instagram and let me know your thoughts about this podcast. Um, you know, again, are there any questions that come up for you or any confusions or do you have any insights that you know you've really learned from this podcast in particular?

  Please let me know cuz I. Yeah, I am an extrovert at heart, so uh, talking with anyone who is listening, uh, really kind of gives me energy and allows me to really post more episodes. So thank you. Thanks for considering. So thank you for considering, and if not, that's okay too. Thank you for listening. I appreciate every single download.

  Um, this has been a really, really fun, the best project I've ever done, so. Again, thank you so much for listening and being here.

Episode Summary and Notes

The Power of Human Relationships over Quick Fixes:

In today's fast-paced world, we are bombarded with messages that encourage us to fix our problems, find someone to fix them for us, and seek out those who appear to have it all together. Whether it's through reading blogs or talking to teachers, influencers, coaches, or therapists, the promise of finding someone who has cracked the code for healing various aspects of our lives, from self-relationship to physical health, seems tantalizing. However, there's a fundamental shift in perspective that we should consider when it comes to therapy and healing.

Therapy is not primarily about fixing problems or finding someone to do the fixing. It's not about seeking out individuals who have all the answers to life's challenges. Instead, therapy is about forming a unique and transformative relationship—a relationship that can help us navigate the complexities of our lives and find the healing we seek.

In a culture so obsessed with healing, it's essential to acknowledge the desire to wake up pain-free, free from brain fog, or any discomfort that hinders our daily lives. However, when it comes down to it, the most potent source of healing is human relationships.

Trusting Your Intuition and Embracing the Transformative Journey:

When you enter into therapy, you are entering into a relationship—a therapeutic alliance that has the potential to change your life. Relationships, as we all know, can be complicated. They don't always work out, and they evolve and change over time. This leaves us with a perplexing question: when should we stay and when should we go? How do we distinguish between a relationship worth investing in and one that no longer serves us?

The answer lies in learning to listen to your intuition. As humans, we are born with intuition, but it's often misunderstood or disregarded in our early years. Babies and young children struggle to communicate their needs effectively. Adults might misinterpret their cries, leading to a chronic feeling of not being understood or heard.

If this pattern continues into adolescence and adulthood, where family members repeatedly insist that they know better than you what you want and need, trust issues can take root. Therapy becomes an opportunity to rebuild that trust.

Entering therapy with uncertainty about whether your therapist is the right fit for you is entirely normal. You are always free to explore other options and find someone who resonates with you better. However, unless there is harm being done, it's often advisable to stick with therapy, even when it feels tough.

The frustration and discomfort you experience in therapy are invitations to delve deeper into your inner world. These moments of tension and uncertainty hold the keys to self-discovery. Rather than expecting your therapist to provide all the answers, consider that this frustration is an opportunity to become more curious about yourself.

Learning Through Relationships

Throughout history, cultures have embraced various healing rituals, from plant medicine to scientifically verified treatments. However, regardless of the method, the underlying commonality is the role of relationships in the healing process. We learn from those we trust, whether by observing positive examples or recognizing what we don't want to emulate.

Learning often necessitates seeing a behavior or skill modeled for us. In today's world, there are numerous ways to facilitate this learning process, from watching YouTube tutorials to listening to podcasts like this one. While it might be challenging to find a trustworthy mentor in person, there are abundant resources available to help us grow and improve in various aspects of life.

Acceptance in Relationships

Acceptance is a crucial element of relationships, and it plays a pivotal role in the healing journey. Finding people who accept you as you are can be transformative. While having mentors or parents who unconditionally love and accept you is ideal, not everyone has this privilege. If you find yourself without such support, it's essential to be curious about the little moments in your day when your environment signals that you are allowed to be yourself without negative consequences.

These moments of acceptance can occur unexpectedly, like when a cashier responds positively to your greeting or when someone reacts kindly to a minor accident. These seemingly insignificant moments can be powerful indicators that you are allowed to be yourself without fear of judgment or punishment.

Listening to Your Body:

Healing often involves understanding and connecting with your body. Many of us have grown up in environments where mistakes were met with harsh consequences, leading to a fear of making errors. When our bodies exhibit signs of distress, such as joint pain or brain fog, we may perceive them as mistakes, further fueling self-hatred.

However, it's crucial to recognize that our bodies are not inherently flawed. They communicate through sensations and discomfort, attempting to convey a message. Learning to listen to these signals is a challenging but essential aspect of the healing process. It's akin to learning a new language—listening and understanding before you can effectively communicate.

The Role of Therapy:

Therapy offers a unique opportunity to rebuild trust, both in yourself and in relationships. Therapists are trained to listen, paraphrase, and engage with curiosity rather than making assumptions about your life. They provide a space for you to express your emotions, fears, and desires without judgment.

Therapy should not merely focus on coping skills to mask strong emotions but should delve into the process of processing those emotions. Therapists should guide you through moments of uncertainty and discomfort, offering a reparative experience that many of us didn't receive in childhood.

Progress and Healing:

Assessing progress in therapy can be challenging, as healing often involves ups and downs. Instead of expecting immediate elimination of emotional or physical pain, consider whether you've made gradual improvements over time. It might be a reduction in the frequency or intensity of emotional outbursts or physical symptoms.

The therapeutic journey may also include moments of backsliding, but having a trustworthy person to support you through these setbacks can be invaluable. Whether it's your therapist, a friend, or an online community, having someone who acknowledges your struggles and sits with you as you navigate them is essential.

Connect with the Podcast:

This podcast is a platform for exploring the complexities of healing, relationships, and personal growth. I would love to hear your thoughts, questions, and insights. If you're listening on Spotify, feel free to engage in the Q&A feature. If you're on Apple, Google, or any other platform, please send me an email or reach out to me on Instagram. Your feedback and engagement fuel my passion for this podcast and help shape future episodes.

Thank you for being part of this journey, and I look forward to connecting with you further. Your support is greatly appreciated!